Thursday, June 4, 2009

Oh my!


Dear World, 

I, Bob the T-Rex have decided to end my life. Why? I was shafted by evolution. I have these stupid, short, girlscout arms that inhibit my abilities to swim. Yet, I've always dreamed of being an Olympic Gold medalist swimmer. When I tried to schedule practices, the Trainer laughed. I told him I hoped he got Lou Gehrig's disease. But apparently that has nothing to do with swimming. Greg Louganis got aids, but, not because of swimming. Yet again, I was made a fool. The Discovery Channel takes liberties on my lifestyle. I don't get paid and my lawyer is so drunk he can't hold a file folder. I was wrongly portrayed in Jurassic Park. It's developed a deep, seething prejudice to my kind. Now, whenever I go to get coffee the Barista jokingly moves the cup infront of me and stands very still. I can fucking see you. Okay? I fucking see you. 

Good Bye Cruel World!
Bob

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'm a douchebag, leave me here.

I don't understand why I like unicorns so much, but I do. They make me happy. They make me want to frolic in a flowery field and play the lute and do it with a hot knight-shaped stranger and then have some wench joust me in the belly.


I didn't plan for that sentence to end with an abortion.

I hate Twilight. I hate that little girls aspire to be like "Bella Swan". You might as well aspire to be like an anorexic robot. Actually, most robots seem to show more emotion. Great, yet another generation of women who place a stigma on extroverted behaviour. Plus, Robert Pattinson just looks gross. He looks like if you touch him he would be sticky. 

I totally want to look at someone, fall in love with them, have them beat me a few times and have massive blue balls. All at the same time, preferably. 

I don't think I'm smart, but sometimes I think popular films/music/etc. is geared to people who wish to always remain mediocre. Terminator Salcraption. For example. I mean, hell yes, it was awesome to see Christian Bale all dirty. And that terminator guy was sexy and dirty. The blowing up and fighting was awesome. But, sincerely lacking in story and believability. 

Saw the new Star Trek finally! Omigosh. I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof. Why can't the film end in an all cast orgy? Well, minus, the skinny bitch. And seriously. Loved how all the lady trekkers were donned in miniskirts, knee high boots, full make-up and jewelry. Gosh, they must find it erksome when fights break-out. Panty shots? Maybe, under their miniskirts they were short shorts, like cheerleaders? I guess Federation women are expected to sit around and do the desk work, like women during WW2? I get it was for a little twinge of nostalgia for old trekkies, but, come on. I'd hope in the future men are just as objectified as women. I'm saying booty shorts and muscle tees. 

Equality now? Maybe not.

I love you Battlestar Galactica for pondering a genderless future. 

So I revert to watching Buffy and skulking around my room working on my neverending book.

My Hot or Nots of the Week:

Jimmy Fallon on Late Night-Hot
Conan O'Brian on Tonight Show-Hot
New Star Trek-Hot
MTV 2009 Movie Awards Twilight Sweep-Not
The Last Unicorn-Hot
Wendy's Drive Thru Workers-Not
Rush Limbaugh-Not
Trueblood Season 2 Promos-Hot
The Fist bump-Lukewarm


Friday, May 22, 2009

Spoilers...Beware!

I can't decide whether or not I'm mad at Charlaine Harris. I loved Dead and Gone. It was a silly and fun read. But, seriously, 9 books in, and there is not closure of the love triangle. (Well, some, at one point it was looking like a love hexagram) I need Sookie to stop being a scared child and own up. Bitch loves Eric. Why else would that theme be a major part of 9 books? Why build a romance up for NINE books, if, it isn't important. SERIOUSLY, to end the 9th book with yet another tease at the Bill/Sookie/Eric triangle. I almost killed someone. 


I love the Sookie series more than most fans. Rarely do I criticize Charlaine, because, I know it's more her story than mine. However, I have to say some of the character aspects in Dead and Gone, do not make sense(Growth-wise). When did Eric become crazy-possessive? Yes, he has always had that whole, "I'm the big Kahuna, you can't say no to me" deal. However, it was the fact that Sookie is stubborn and self-possessed that Eric starts to appreciate her. She's stronger than any human he's ever encountered. That respect makes him fall for her, early on in the books. Plus, she's sexy and got some fae blood. 

In Dead and Gone, it seems in some parts Eric is doing the mine, mine, mine thing too much. Yes, he wants Sookie to stop avoiding the inevitable, but, it doesn't feel like Eric. Honestly, it feels like Bill. Bill redeems himself in this tale. I was happy about that. However, Sookie does state that she doesn't even think of Bill romantically anymore. She's over it. When Quinn freaks out on her, she realizes that. You know, Quinn did have some good points when he brought up her blindspots to Eric. WHICH IS WHY, Sookie should have a had a Great Revelation herself. She's in love with Eric. But, oh, wait, the blood bond. 

A great point to bring up here: Sookie worries she only cares about Eric because of their blood bond. Well, when Bill first gives Sookie blood in Dead Until Dark, it only seems to make her keener and stronger. There isn't this emotional bond between her and Bill. I know Eric and Sookie have shared blood more than three times by All Together Dead. However, in the books previous, the V juice wears off within months. She states she is back to her regular self. Therefore, why is Eric's blood bond such a challenge? I think it's because not only is she sharing a lot of blood, in this weird, mystical way, but the fact the two of them love each other has something to do with it. In All Together Dead, She's got Eric on the mind before the dangerous Andre-Eric throwdown.  She even wonders if the only reason she went to Rhodes was just to be close to Eric, because their relationship had suffered since the Bill revelation in Definitely Dead

Well, really, just to satisfy my nerdy self. These are all the themes, symbols, dialogues that Charlaine gives us for Sookric.  These are the reasons the characters are meant to be. It's Charlaine's story, but, I will be confused if she gives us this much, then just throws it away. I'd be disappointed in her style. In the future, I've noted, to never, ever push a love triangle this far into a series. 

1. Dead Until Dark-In Eric and Sookie's first meeting, sparks fly out. Not only does she talk back to him, she mocks him. Not a very smart move for a human. Eric breaks the rules and tries to glamour Sookie, even though she "is" Bill's. She can read Eric's mind after Bill's blood. He considers threatening her to question Bruce, but doesn't. The weird flower. When Sookie's in the hospital and sees the flower, she loves it. Then she notices who it was from. Of course, Eric is hanging out the window watching and smiling. Just kind of silly.

2. Living Dead in Dallas-Sookie reluctantly agrees to the terms of the Dallas deal. Eric, of course, is so curious about her talents he endangers himself, his lackeys, and his area just to check up on her. Sookie decides Eric is the best person to accompany her to the orgy. Even with Bill out of town, she could've asked Sam or Pam, etc. etc. Do I have to mention the sassy bullet sucking scene? Eric uses some jedi mind tricks to get his blood into Sookie. With all Sookie's stubbornness it's very surprising she would suck a bullet out of Eric's chest just because he asks her too. But, by the end of Book 2, Sookie appreciates Eric's flamboyance.

3.Club Dead-Eric tells Sookie the truth about Bill's affair with Lorena in a sweet way. He is always honest with her, when it counts. He sends her to save Bill and follows yet again in disguise as Leif. The scene where he holds her in Alcide's apt. is sweet. They share their first quasi sex scene at Russell's. And the second time they share blood. Sookie doesn't know how to feel about her sexual feelings towards Eric. Eric agrees to drive Sookie home from Jackson when she is to tired to face Bill after he almost drained her and raped her. (Yea, Bill lovers, you like to forget that). The end of the book finds Sookie yelling at Eric about being "poor". Eric gravels her driveway. That is sexy. Bill and Sookie are over by this book. I love the Gas station scene where Eric calls Sookie his future lover. How JT of him!

4. Dead to the World-Well, Sookie finds Eric running half naked and barefoot to her house. It's a nice, calm, child-like version of Eric. His memory has been taken by witches. Sookie falls for this Eric because he isn't arrogant, high-handed, political, and scary. Memory-Free Eric promises to leave his life in Shreveport to be with Sookie and support her. They have best sex ever and it just seems more relaxing then her time with Bill. She can be herself with Eric. Eric takes the bullet from Debbie Pelt for her and witnesses Sookie blow Debbie to bits.  The end of the book, when Eric has his memory back, Sookie can barely contain herself. She's sad, she's relieved, you know blah blah conflicting emotions. Eric knows something is different, well, he feels different, and he's cued in to Sookie's emotions from their first blood sharing. He buys her a new (perfect) coat, to replace the old, blood stained one.

5. Dead as a Doornail-Someone's gunning for the shifters. Sam(After getting shot) sends Sookie to Fangtasia to borrow a bartender from Eric. Of course, Eric will agree for Sookie. She subconsciously tries to look good for Eric. He notices her fingernail polish, what kind of guy notices such a tiny detail. In this book, we find Sookie revealing reluctantly to Eric what happened when his memory was lost. Of course, Eric isn't surprised about the sexing. I love the flirtatious tension between Eric and Sookie. The scene with Eric, Bill and Sookie in the duplex is hilarious. Eric and Sookie have moved into a strange, tense place in this book.

6. Definitely Dead- This is my least favorite book out of all 9. Sookie seems so angry throughout the book. Andre reveals to her she has fairy blood. Sookie freaks out at Eric at the end of the book, telling him he only wanted her because of her fairy blood. Obviously, it is untrue.  She defies his "summons" and throws Quinn in his face. Even after Eric forces Bill to tell Sookie about his true intentions of courting her, Sookie is cruel to Eric. She dreams of Eric enjoying a sunny day with her. She thinks about their fun, flirty banter. Yet, when she's around him she throws up a wall. Hmm, I wonder why. 

7. All Together Dead-Sookie's on her way to the vampire summit in Rhodes. (Along with Eric, Pam, Bill, Sophie and Andre) Much flirty banter in this one! Eric endangers himself by interrupting Andre's plans to control Sookie. He shares blood with Sookie, yet again. (Basically, the fourth time, if you count the blood at the orgy in LDID) Eric offers to take Sookies place and possibly get blown up by the Dr. Pepper bomb. They share a strange conversation over the bomb. (The computer talk? Weird?) Pam tells Sookie she and Eric had no idea that Bill was following the Queen's orders when he courted Sookie. Pam even warns Sookie to stop playing games with Eric. She tells her Eric is at his worst because of his conflicted emotions for Sookie. Pam reveals how she was turned and Sookie seems to react with a strange curiosity. Sookie tries to be in a "normal" relationship with Quinn, but Eric is at every corner. Their dance scene after the trial is sweet. Sookie seemingly abandons the injured Quinn just to pal around with Eric. Even Bill accuses Sookie of being immature with her romances. Quinn offers to stake Eric to get him out of the picture and Sookie almost has a panic attack. Unfortunately, Sookie attributes all of her feelings for Eric to their blood sharing. The next two books follow that theme. Is Sookie in love with Eric or is it that pesky blood bond?  When Barry reveals the FOTS plot, the first vampires to save that come in to Sookie's mind are Eric...and Pam. She risks being blown up to save them both. She only helps Bill by coincidence. (Sorry, Bill lovers!) When Eric asks Sookie if she loves Quinn, she says she could. When it comes to falling in love, do we really say "could". (Everytime I said I "could" love you, it never worked out.)

8. From Dead to Worse-Quinn has disappeared. No call, no show, no write. Eric is approached by Niall(Sookie's Fairy Granpappi) and introduces the two. Niall offers to kill Eric to end the S/E blood bond. Yet again, Sookie goes into panic mode. Eric jokingly calling Sookie hard-hearted is adorable. By this book, the flirty banter is just giving the reader blue balls. During the Vegas Vampire takeover Eric has to reassure himself Victor won't harm Sookie because of her abilities.  He buys her a new cell phone after destroying her old one. Eric spends some time in Sookie's room after the takeover and remembers their time together. Sookie goes into defense mode and acts like a child and promises to discuss the matter later. (Annoying). Even Sam now believes the only person who make Sookie happy is Eric. He calls Eric when Sookie's depressed mood starts to depress him. Of course, Eric and Sam are to busy having a Shifter/Vampire cock fight to even give Sookie the pity she needs. The funny thing is, seeing Eric did make her feel loads better. Of course, she believes it's only the blood bond. As Sookie is leaving Merlotte's and Eric is talking to the King (Felipe), she starts to have a panic attack. She's so worried about Eric it doesn't feel natural. However, she confesses it wasn't the blood bond warning that forced her to turn her car around. She saves Eric and Felipe from Sigebert and places herself in favor for the King. However, she reveals to the King the bond she has with Eric. Possibly, a bad idea. It gives the King the perfect tool to control Eric. Eric and Pam become Sookie's "protectors" (Though, I have to admit, they kind of suck at it in Book 9). Sookie finds herself a single lady in this book. She dumps Quinn, because of his crazy relatives and decides she wants to come first. Kind of a stupid argument given her former realtionship with Bill and her insane love game with Eric. 

9. Dead and Gone - Eric goes behind Sookie's back ands retrieves the ritual knife that used in their blood sharing in ATD. Sookie presents it to Eric infront of Victor in a ceremonius matter. (No Questions Asked). Eric tells Sookie they are now "wed" or pledged to each other.  He swears to her if he hadn't done it Felipe would have her under his control and would be forcing her to use her gifts. Sookie's pissed, but also glad she is now safe from other vampires. She hates that Eric can control who she sees and didn't ask permission, but she's happy at the same time? Gotta love conflicted emotions. Sookie confesses that she has almost driven to Fangatasia to see Eric tons of times. After Crystal's death, Sookie visits Eric and is too tired to fight about the marriage. Eric denies Quinn from seeing Sookie, but of course, he shows anyways. He verablly attacks her, accussing her of all kinds of things. Mostly Eric things. (I feel this will be important later). Quinn hates Eric. Bill comes to the rescue. (After being told to by Eric, I assume). Bill and Quinn proceed to fight and Sookie is injured. (Stupid men). Eric makes his way to Bon Temps. He's pissed at Bill for trying to be the Alpha protector man and getting Sookie hurt. However, Eric and Sookie finally get some alone time and do it like they do on the discovery channel. They share more blood. 

Eric tells Sookie she can come live in his house, but, Sookie isn't having that. She tells Eric once she knows it isn't just the bond that makes them feel so much, a drastic change could happen. However, Sookie doesn't want to give up Bon Temps and Eric doesn't want to give up Fangtasia. We'll see how that unfolds later, I'm sure. She tells Eric she won't be with anyone else but him. But, neither of them will label what they are. Eric tells Sookie that he discovered why the spell sent him to her driveway. Apparently, it forced him to run towards his heart's desire and never realize who it was because of the memory wipe. Fucked up. The saddest scene and most emotional ever for S/E was the hospital scene. Bill and Niall save Sookie from the evil fairies, (Crass?) and Eric gives her blood in the hospital. Eric is mad at Bill for not fighting off the fairies before they took her and tortured her. Sookie cries at Eric and tells him she was praying for him to come save her over and over again. She asks him (dramatically) why he didn't come save her. Eric tells her she's killing him by being so sad and he will explain it all when they have time. 

I liked when Pam said that Eric will live on in Sookie, if Eric ever dies. (Fingers crossed)
By the end of this book, all the fairies are gone off to their world. Bill has somewhat redeemed himself. Though, in Bill fashion, all his methods were rash and not well thought out. He lacks Eric's timely pragmatism. 

I believe the answer to the ambigious question at the end of the book is Eric. It's obvious. Niall only met Bill once, to our knowledge. Eric and Niall exchange phone calls and have met many times. Niall even calls Eric her vampire boyfriend in FDTW, referring to Quinn as her other boyfriend. There isn't a reason for Niall to even know that Sookie and Bill used to go steady. Niall isn't even concerned with Bill's shitty state at the end of the book. It's obviously Eric that Niall believes truely loves Sookie.

I have no idea how all of this will play out. I don't want a cheesy, Twilight Saga-esque end, but why have the Eric/Sookie love grow for 9 books if it isn't important?


Nerd rant over,
Ashley.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Adam and Chris.

Good Morning! Yes. It is 2pm, yet, Good morning.


Strange and shocking news. I've really gotten into American Idol this year. The reason is Adam Lambert. I think he is a phenomenal artist. He reminds me of Freddie Mercury, Muse, Janis Joplin, Mars Volta, KISS, etc. etc,. The list continues and continues every week he performs. It's down to the final two, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Kris is like the average joe performer. He's married, presumably Christian, traditional vocals. He's got that whole John Mayer, Jason Moraz thing going--except less talented vocals. Basically, he's that guy in highschool that threw eggs on Josie Grossie with the other jocks.

Maybe I'm being harsh. Nah. 

I'm just bored with the traditional. I think Mayer's blues trio stuff is good, but I'd never pay for it. Now, if I'm out and about at a record store and spy KISS or Queen albums. Hell yes. I will pick them up. There is something intriguing about an artist who is theatrical and dramatic. It's like getting dinner and a show. When you're watching Kris you just want to be drinking coffee and laughing with friends. You aren't sucked into the music. It doesn't become a part of you. He is background noise. 

No doubt, I can be harsh. The kid's going to have a career regardless of my opinion. America loves the average joe. We'll see tonight if Adam has seduced them, like he's seduced me. 

I'm ridin' on that right-wing sin wagon!

MOST IMPORTANTLY,

What the hell was up with the Kara DioGuardi, "No Boundaries" original(ironic) song? No one can seem to pin down the exact lyrics. MTV took a stab at it:


“Every step you climb another mountain/ Every breath is harder to believe/ You’ll make it through the pain/ Weather the hurricane/ To get to that one thing/ When you think the road is going nowhere/ Just when you’ve almost gave up on your dreams/ Then take it by the hand and show you that you can.”

Take what by the hand? The road? Who is going to show you that you can? Your dreams? What’s with the awful grammar (”you’ve almost gave up”)? Were they throwing darts at nonsense phrases on a dartboard, because these lyrics make less sense than a Paula Abdul rant.

It gets even worse, though.

Go deeper, higher, no boundaries, break every rule, nothing between you and your dreams … As long as we’re at it, might I suggest another chorus: “Unicorns can fly in the bright blue sky/ Love is the answer to all your burning questions, but can make you cry/ Butterflies are like dreams that come true in living color/ Rainbows are fantasy dream rides to a land of enchantment and wonder/ Ain’t no stopping you now/ Reality-show winners are just like real pop stars, except they’re not."

And it took three supposedly credited songwriters to write that? No one wonder Kris slaughtered it. He was too busy trying not to laugh and the faux depths of song. Personally, I enjoy MTV's additions. If Adam has to sell this song. I apologize to him. AI, way to squash someones personal creativity. 

I'm sure, Kara, there is a four year old out there somewhere who respects your artistic prowess. This 21 year old, however, advises, you betta work.

My fingers are crossed for you Adam!
And yes, you are traitor if you're gay and don't vote for Adam. Kidding. Kind of. I'll have to think about those comments. It fails in that discourse on private/public sector. I don't really feel like being a Communist today. Instead, I'll drown myself in McFlurry's!

Love and stuff,
Ashley


Monday, May 11, 2009

Dead Until Dork.

HERE IT IS!


The Top 5 Best Unicorns Ever!

1. The Unicorns from Legend.

2. Charlie the Unicorn.

3. The Last Unicorn.


4. Tom Cruise, Feathers, and Cadillac from Planet Unicorn.


5. The Unicorn Obsessed Chick from Dodgeball.



Monday, May 4, 2009

The Winter of Your Faces Discontent.

Bonjour!


I am stuck studying Shakespeare, but, helluro, everybody love Shakespeare. I like to read and listen to Loreena Mckennit and dance around my room in a flower wreath. But. You know. That's kind of sad and embarrassing. 

I feel weird blogging. I think there is a way to blog and a way to journal. LJers typically talk about themselves and their feelings and how they cut themselves with rusty spoons. Bloggers tend to criticize anything and everything. I'll be in the middle of that spectrum. 

You will know I'm manic depressive and insane in the membrane, because of the varying topics.

ANYHOOO,

Two to Three days away from receiving Harris' new Stackhouse book, Dead and Gone. Gah! I can't frakking wait. 

Time passes by so quickly. (This feels very emotional to say when Loreena Mckennitt is singing prose the background and playing lutes and violins) It seems only yesterday the semester was beginning and I was several pounds lighter. Ah. Now the semester is a couple hours away from being over. Hallelujah. I can't say how happy I am the summer is here. Or how happy I am to spend it in Florence. I love Southern summers.

So what has the Spring of '09 given me!
Straight up Letterman style top 10:
1. The sad but frakking phenom. end of Battlestar Galactica
2. Whedon's Dollhouse!Mmm Paul!
3. A new Sookie book and TrueBlood season two! Holla!
4. Multitudes of creative inspiration!
5. Free time to not live in the mediocre.
6. Conan on the Tonight Show!
7. For some reason, mad love for Family Guy.
8. A wonderful tutelage on Shakespeare from Grandma Jacobs.
9. Undying love of magical, enchanting Unicorns.
10. True understanding of why I adore crappy, unrealistic teen soap operas.


Yayz! 

Ok seriously. I have an exam in an hour so. I'll be back later.

x0x0

Ashley.